A Scratch Paper a Day

I feel a little lonely today. I guess I should have gone to the Reunion after all. I have this end of the year blues going on. Though I pampered myself the whole day, I talked to special people. But I feel like I bummed the whole day.

Ok, I didn’t … I made the Kawaii Wakai site and Chris” multiply. But you know what I mean… I felt like I bummed around on Rizal Day. Haha. But i guess I deserved the rest. ( Sure, make excuses blah). I just felt like shit the whole day. I felt like I was just doing nothing with my time and I searched desperately for things to do.

Curses! I hate this feeling I have. No matter what I do it just wont shake off. I feel like crying. I feel like just going under covers and sleeping. I feel bipolar. I feel schizo right now. I guess it’s a bad case of New Year Blues. I guess its because change is coming and its coming fast.

I am afraid for the coming year. There are so many challenges that would be coming my way. Seminars, Audits, expectations, partings and reunions. so many things to be afraid of. Part of me wants my life to stay this way. Part of me is excited for the changes… Part of me just wants to run away … its scary.

I am also sad because of the fact that I feel unaccomplished. And that i am still not stable at my age. I planned to have a family at 28. Now, I am still searching. I am still without a family. JM has one. Mark has one. Heck most of my friends and cousins have one. I have baby envy. But that doesnt mean I will go make them now. I want a real family, to love, to hold, to cherish.

What the fuck am I saying anyway? I am depressing myself. I did well this year, right? I should think positive and be better for the coming year.

but damn, i still feel crappy…

We have our High School Reunion tonight. X marks the Spot. For sometime, I was aching to go. I was ready to go and meet up with old friends and just chill. But then, now, I am a bit — well… not keen to go. I realized that most of the friends that I want to be there won’t be able to go. Then, my best friend and I planned to meet for lunch on Jan 2nd instead. It’s too late at night, I may NOT enjoy it because its full of A-listers I do not really talk to and what more, I feel that I may just make a fool out of myself. Just like High School…

I guess I am making excuses for everything. The bottomline is that I am afraid of High School Reunions. I feel that people expected too much of me and I am afraid that people would just scoff and laugh at me or talk behind my back about what happened to me in the last decade. There are some things I prefer to just forget and not mention anymore. I am afraid I am just going to be a wallflower again because I really am not close to the people there.

I did some stupid things in High School that I dont want to be talked about again. I know that I should have been closer to some friends, but am not. I was crazy back then… not that I am not now, but I was more naive, more daring, more stupid. ( I mean, seriously, I had a combat knife under my skirt in High School) who wouldnt be scared? I was closer to the artist guys than girls. I had my share of cutting classes, insane trips…. It was fun. But It wasn’t the type of things that you want to talk about in your high school reunion with those people.

The people attending are the A-Listers. THe Cheerleaders, the Jocks, the Super Smart Bookies, Party People blah blah blah… I am none of those. My best friend said “We’re on a different list” I agree. Me, JM, Mark, Alain, Mark Chua and the others are on a different list. I really want to see those guys again.

Then again, we have different lives now — JM has a kid, Mark too, Mark Chua is engaged… and I’m floating around. It’s so different. We were just once Xronus 13 - comic book collecting, drawing, magic the gathering playing folk who hung out at the CSA Theater and chase each other with rulers and eat pizza or siomai. Life is so different now especially since JM and I parted ways in college. Back then it was bonding about Boyfriends and Girlfriends, drinking in San Mig and Pep’s and just chilling. Now, its all talk about career, kids, the next move and marraige (*shudders*)…

What can I tell them after all these years? What can I be proud of? Could I stand tall and show them myself?

I used to avoid meeting them before because I did not have the confidence too. I was depressed, overweight ( I was sexy in High School), I felt ugly and unaccomplished after that ugly thing with Albert.  But lately, I regained my confidence I got over my depression. I stopped crying and I felt beautiful again. I felt smart again. I felt like I can face my friends again.

I still am undecided if I am going to the reunion tonight, but I am sure about January 2. I am psyched! I wish I see more than JM. I wish I meet up with Kuya, Alain and the others too! Go go go!

I just finished my New Year Cleaning. my room looks refreshed. Fresh new linens on the bed, clean drawers ( as in all of them!)  i did my new year shopping yesterday (Major spree- overspent, by much!) and I felt so good doing things for myself.

I feel a little selfish today. I lounge around in my huge garfield sleepshirt at home and put on a little music as I type this blog. I text all my friends too… I want to get some love. It’s delicious. This feeling of self love that I have right now.  I woke up from the most delicious sleep ever. I felt sooooo happy waking up to cool air, warm sunshine and the feeling that you are so well rested. I rolled over and looked at all the unread messages (20 of them) since last night and realized i fell asleep without knowing it. ( EEP! soweee! I didnt mean to, I swear!)

I feel so good contacting people and catching up with them. I am also making plans to meet up with my BEST FRIEND EVER  and meet his little daughter on Friday. I am psyched about that/ Everything is so good today. I dont want it to stop. …

Hmmm… Im thinking of a pedicure this afternoon. My feet need it. BADLY. And Im thinking of the spa. Self pampering today would be awesome. Seriously awesome.  I feel so good about myself and everything. I havent felt this awesome since — I dont know. All I know that lately things have turned up so well and I know that things will continue getting better for me.

Well, they should. I have suffered enough. haha! I think 2009 will be a good year for me. And thats not because Feng Shui says it to be. Haha.

This year, I have only a few things I want to do to change… I also have a lot of wishes and needs… I have a lot of goals that I really have to write down in my  JOURNAL THAT WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE. haha. I guess I could share some of them here

2009 Resolutions/ Goals/ Wishlist

1. Maintain my sexy weight.
2. Grow my hair long
3. Get ISO Certified
4. Get Seminars for SSS/ PHIC and Pag-ibig
5. Get promoted twice
6. Buy a LV/Coach/ Prada / Kate Spade bag
7. Budget my money (hahahah!)
8. Put a down on that Condo that I want
9. Get a car/ Drive my car
10. Go to Thailand/ Japan
11. Catch up with all my friends and keep in touch with them
12. Find Mr. Right (who knows if I have met him na?)
13. get a globe/smart line
14. start crafting again
15. replace my laptop
16. revamp my room
17. take Japanese Language proficiency examinations
18. take extra japanese lessons
19. play the guitar again
20. write another novel ( Nanowrimo and non-wrimo)
21. maintain my diary/journal
22. give to a charity/do community work
23. Enjoy my life
24. Give back to God
25. FIND MYSELF AGAIN

Maybe those random 25 thoughts are just things that just popped into my head but most of them I reallly want to happen. Who knows? maybe we could check them off one by one right?

Heres hoping…

For those who know me,  they all know that I DREAD Christmas. First of all, I always cry on Christmas- for god knows the reason why. I am always lonely, always feel outcast or what ever. Yeah, I was the GRINCH.

Why? Maybe because I felt that everyone was against me. Maybe I felt apart from a loved one. Maybe I felt that I could not express the love that I should have expressed a long time ago. Or maybe it was because I was at odds with my mother, which seemed a yearly thing( that we fight on christmas) .I also felt in the years before that I was uglier, fatter, worse and really evil.

This year was totally different. I was happier, my diet worked wonders and I weighed significantly less than last year ( In fact I am proud to say that I am soooo close to my goal of a waistline of 27 that i could taste it! ) My clothes are more fashionable, I made myself totally pretty for the season. I have a sparkle in my eye. i am smiling, I havent fought with my mother and I have love in my heart.

I thought that this Christmas would be sad, because I let him go. But, the Lord works in mysterious ways. When I let him go, I recieved so much more in return. Friends who love me, people falling over their feet to woo me, my family who loves me, My fathers and GRANDFATHER’s approval and trust. A new face to show the world, a career that is starting to shine and most of all peace in my heart.

My stubbornness led to all the heartaches before. But I know that this time I was very happy. It was a very different Christmas for me. I totally enjoyed bonding with family and friends. I have my dreams in sight and my family so close. I could not imagine ever living without them. I was correct in my choice that I should let him go.

though the manner of my letting him go was really bad. I know I tricked him into letting me go. I know I made a fool out of him. I am sorry. I feel bad everyday for it, but i know it was the right decision. I had to do it, it was bothering me, it was hurting me and it was stunting my growth.I guess it was just right. I had to let go of something to get something bigger. In this case it was our friendship.

I just wish that he finds it in his heart one day to forgive me and understand why I did this.  I just wish he would find a happier place in his heart and a love that would take him away. I just wish all the best for him.

But then,again, were not friends anymore….

Hay, but he blessed me in a lot of ways. So I am looking forward to everything. I look forward to a better me. I look forward to a better year

I have been waiting for this day to come. The day when my grandfather and father would finally look at me in a new light. The day when my grandfather would be proud of me. I am glad that it finally came. I was so scared that it may never come — especially after years of frustration that I brought both of them.

You are always gonna be the one…
Itsuka dare ka tomata koi ni ochitemo…
I remember how to love, you taught me how…

I am proud of myself. I am proud of everything I have become. Just now. I feel that things are really starting to look up. For me, for my friends and for everything. My father is proud of me. That is all I could really ask for. I am happy. Happiest Ive been in while…

Thank you Utada Hikaru. Thank you self for believing you can do it.

Its starting to change… my life. Im starting to see myself better and clearer.