A Scratch Paper a Day

I am someone’s kitten.  I am someone’s princess. I am someone’s chocolate. I am someone’s love, potchi, baby, love and honey. I am loved. I know I am.  By one, by many, by friends, family, and maybe someone special.  I am so blessed with many people who love me.

Yet, I am not free to love as I wish. Years of painful experiences have taught me not to trust so easily, not to fall too fast, not to give in to the falling in love phase too quickly. But my heart has the brain and the listening power of an amoeba. It  is always ready to love again.  Yet, it never forgets the fear and pain of being hurt.

That is why people who love me have set up many barriers, many rules, many high criterion to protect me from the past hurt and pain. I myself had set up my own defense mechanism. Something that I myself did not realize… something that surprised even me.

Why? I do not know. All I know is that, I have learned to numb myself from many feelings that involve being hurt and getting hurt because of love. I can learn to fall in and out of love. But is that right? I don’t know. People have told me that this is the reason why some people have a hard time relating to me when it comes to the heart.

Maybe it was the bitter curse of the past. The bitter pill I had to swallow and still runs through my veins. Should I open up again or protect myself? I don’t know…

I dont know how I am going to truly going to open up.

Maybe someone has the key… I just dont know….