A Scratch Paper a Day

I doubt if anything really matters anymore if we do not trust. How can someone love without it? How can there be friendship or peace or even a running business without it? I doubt that people can sleep well at night if there is no trust. But it is there, it exists - but you really need to earn it, live it, love it.

I felt the pain of losing trust from someone I held dear. I lost my parent’s trust. I lost the trust of people who believed in me. The pain is unbearable. And I admit it was due to my negligence and or mistakes.

But what if you really were not doing anything? What if you really just need time and space and still there was no trust? What if you wanted to earn the trust of someone higher than the one you are breaking? Should you gamble?

I believe thats what I did. No matter how it hurt. No matter how my heart aches. No matter how I cry. No matter how painful the words that person will say. I chose them . I chose myself over him.

Maybe that is my fault too. Maybe my fault is that I love myself too much.

Is it worth saying goodbye to a person just like that? I really do not know. If that person loses trust in you. Is it worth coming back? I do not know.

There was pain. A lot of it. For weeks I have battled with it, but definitely and ultimately, the decision remains. I will trust myself more, love myself more — and no one else.

I am selfish. I know. But, it is by choice.

I am someone’s kitten.  I am someone’s princess. I am someone’s chocolate. I am someone’s love, potchi, baby, love and honey. I am loved. I know I am.  By one, by many, by friends, family, and maybe someone special.  I am so blessed with many people who love me.

Yet, I am not free to love as I wish. Years of painful experiences have taught me not to trust so easily, not to fall too fast, not to give in to the falling in love phase too quickly. But my heart has the brain and the listening power of an amoeba. It  is always ready to love again.  Yet, it never forgets the fear and pain of being hurt.

That is why people who love me have set up many barriers, many rules, many high criterion to protect me from the past hurt and pain. I myself had set up my own defense mechanism. Something that I myself did not realize… something that surprised even me.

Why? I do not know. All I know is that, I have learned to numb myself from many feelings that involve being hurt and getting hurt because of love. I can learn to fall in and out of love. But is that right? I don’t know. People have told me that this is the reason why some people have a hard time relating to me when it comes to the heart.

Maybe it was the bitter curse of the past. The bitter pill I had to swallow and still runs through my veins. Should I open up again or protect myself? I don’t know…

I dont know how I am going to truly going to open up.

Maybe someone has the key… I just dont know….

I learned many things today. Most especially since I have had so many trials the past few weeks. Today I cried my last tears about the agony I had for the last couple of weeks. Maybe things are not really what they seem but I did learn a lot. I am grateful that I did learn these lessons so I am not so innocent or ignorant anymore.

1. I learned to open my eyes to many things.
2. I learned to close my ears to things that I do not want/need to hear.
3. I learned to open my mind to possibilities or other truths.
4. I learned to keep my lips sealed.
5. I learned not to trust so easily.
6. I learned to not be too nice to people
7. I learned to give people a second chance.
8. I learned to forgive.
9. I learned to stand up for truth and justice.
10. I learned to accept that I am not perfect.
11. I learned to say NO.
12. I learned to just do what is right.

To all those who are reading this blog. I hope you learn something today.

I cried. I honestly did. Out of Frustration. Out of Anger. HOW DARE HE?! I really do not know what he has against me or the people I am with. The only thing I notice is that he hates people getting close. He hates seeing people smile and be friends. Because he has none.

I work with an Office Devil. No names. Just Devil. People in the office hate him. He creates intrigues, gossip and more. He is the evil little voice inside two of the lady higher ups. He’s the regular kiss-ass and everyone knows it. He thinks he is perfect. He thinks he’s the star. WHEN HE IS NOT.

He just battled the wrong person. He does not know what I am capable of. He just thought that since I am new and no one has challenged him yet, that no one ever will. He just thought wrong. Because I do not stand for the side of injustice. I never will. I never have.

I really think that he thinks that he can bring me down just by that. Maybe this is payback from the time I took him out of my friendslist. He’s no friend of mine.

I just realized that fighting him back the conventional way is NEVER going to work. He has bitten his teeth too deep into the company that he thinks he has everything twisted under his little finger. But, he is so wrong. HE IS JUST SO WRONG.

What he doesn’t know is that PRACTICALLY HALF THE STAFF OR MORE HATES HIM. He doesn’t know that I HATE HIM. He doesn’t know that I told one of the company directors about him. He doesn’t know that I catch him sleeping on the jobs , and that people want to write a grievance against him.

I don’t know what he’s up to. He thinks he could do anything and NOT get in trouble? WRONG. He’s just plain wrong. He needs to get in trouble. He needs Karma to SLAP HIM IN THE FACE with all the wrong doings he has done to people within the company, those who left because of him and those who is at the edge of killing him.

He could kiss up all he wants but he can never be in the IN CROWD. He could turn those beady little punk fucking eyes at us, but he could never whisper anything that we know is WRONG in the ears of the 2 Queens. I know I could defend myself and my friends.

INJUSTICE STOPS HERE.

Beware devil, your days are numbered

I don’t know, I just feel that someone is totally wanting to kick me off my post. Is it envy, jealousy or what have you, but I am sure it is something evil and totally sinister. I feel that there is a sinister plot against me. I feel that I have to watch my every move. Because theya re watching…

Who are they? The NETWORK. There are a few people in the office, I will NOT mention names except one of them resembles a bad version of pikachu, the other, the wicked witch of the west and the last resembles a really really bad white guy trying to be black,(Yup, I am going to be mean to them today) who are watching each and every move of the rest of the team. They think they are up and above all criticism. They think they are higher than everyone else. When they are nothing but people who create office gossip. They prawl, spy, eavesdrop, blatantly listen, kill for any bit of dirt on anyone they could get their hands on.

They live on it. Dwell on it. Feed on it. They could not live without it. In fact, they would probably die if they dont put down, insult or criticize or even gossip about a person in one day.

I hate them. I honestly do. I hate what they do. I really do not like the fact that they try to ruin everything. What do they care about other people’s lives anyway? What do they get out of it? They talk talk talk talk talk … and they can hurt people…

FUCK. now theyre on my case. First the pie, now the emails.. They can talk all they want. BUT they are the ones who really do not know what their doing, in fact mr. cool guy over there was supposed to be someone who would guide me and not put me down

Bitch. Yep,  I AM MAD.

They still do not know me.

They could not judge me

they do not know what I am capable of…

I could ruin them

but I choose not to

Let them talk…

Owwww… my freaking head… NOT!

If you think I will be manhandled by a hangover the size of Asia after the hard drinks I was pouring down my throat last night, you are wrong. I am up at 9 am in the morning, feeling tired, overslept and not one bit drunk.  It’s a Sunday morning. Even if I DID have a hangover it would be alright.

I started the party FRIDAY NIGHT at Caliente with Office Friends. Coincidentally, I met some of my EAC friends there. WOOT! Two birds in one stone. It was a blast. My main problem that night was nothing in the water-like drinks I had gave me that much needed buzz I needed to loose all my inhibitions and just scream out loud.

The party continued with my Cousins, who admittedly I didnt get to drink with for the past… years. In fact, it really was my first time with them. I watched people get plastered as I reached that perfect buzz. Not drunk at all. Just tipsy and I even got sobered after I helped one of them get to the couch.

I was bad too. >.> Did something I haven’t done in a long time. Nope, thats the last time. Never again. Bad Girl, Maia. Bad, bad girl.

Why didn’t I care last night?

• Maybe because I was too happy… or rather too sad…
• Maybe I was pissed off.
• Maybe I needed to blow off steam after a tiring week
• Maybe I just needed a break
• Maybe I needed to go out of control
• Maybe….

I did say a few things to certain people that I meant. I just chose to let go of everything.

It doesn’t really matter.  The weekend is over. Party Girl is done.

Love you kids… nurse those hangovers. Glad I dont have one!

Sunday Morning. All souls day. I really have to start installing my Adobe Photoshop. >.> I am just too lazy to get up and get the case. ( Yeah, Im hella lazy) But I deserve it. I worked extra hard this week. Even with the devil on the loose and sabotage,  I managed to get by my week. I even did OT a few hours this week. Yep, I deserve to be lazy.

While I am giving myself reason to be lazy, I am thinking one thing. Why do people try to control other people’s lives? Don’t they have their own life to control? It is irritating that even within relationships and friendships there are people who do that? Love is supposed to free us, not shackle us.

I have experienced being controlled and being free. I prefer the latter. No one gives anyone the right to tie a person down and give them their own personal barricade unless they want it. I dont want it. I really dont.

I have clamored for freedom all my life. I have rebelled, fought, been defeated, died for it. But even now that I have my freedom, I still feel shackled. What is freedom anyway?

I don’t know anymore. I just know that it is what I want and long for for a long time. The freedom to express who I really am inside. The freedom to choose what I want to do, who I want to be, who I want to love and how I want to live. Freedom I never had and never will….