A Scratch Paper a Day

I love sunflowers, because no matter what, they always find a way to face the sun. I love the bright yellow color ( It’s my favorite), because it always cheers me up.They say that sunflowers give gifts of radiant warmth, sunflowers are the happiest of flowers, and their meanings include loyalty and longevity. They are unique in their ability to provide energy in the form of nourishment and vibrance, an attribute which mirrors the sun and the energy provided by its heat and light.

Sunflowers are not only unique, but also a flower that is raw in its beauty. Though, I sunflowers are wild and totally unique, it has a calming ability in its pureness. It is a flower I would most love to be like. I would love to be as beautiful, unique, cheerful and happy as a sunflower. I would love to always be positive, always looking towards the sun. I would love to be a child of the light. I would like to be loud, yet people would love the loudness.

I love sunflowers. I want to be a sunflower.

I met JM today. After 8 or so years of being absent and avoiding meetings, I finally did. What pushed me to finally go out of my shell? Perhaps its the NEW YEAR, perhaps its the change that is going on with me. But yes, I came out and met him. I told him everything and it felt good.

I was so happy when I saw him. I was so happy when he welcomed me with open arms. I was so happy to see his child (I’m the ninang) and his beautiful wife Bev. I was also sooo happy to see him happy. I felt the Joy eminating from him. He looked good. His aura was awesome and I was so drawn in. Stella was so beautiful that I could not take my eyes off her.

I was a little envious of their Joy, but I know that one day, I will get my joy too. Maybe I found it… heheh.. but its too early to tell. I suddenly felt envious that I have no one to call my own and a child to nurture. But like JM said, I dont have to rush. I can take my time. It happens. Things come. I believe him.

He also told me that he was happy I am back home and that I grew up. I actually grew up and matured. We caught up and talked for five hours. It seemed that no time passed between us. I still felt the friendship - like High School and College. I was a fool to think I could deal with everything alone, when he was there just waiting.

I am grateful for a friend like him. I am grateful to GOD that he gave me back my best friend. I swear, I will never lose touch again. ^_^ he’s a blessing to me. he has been with me through it all… He has been there through each stupid thing i did. through everything– he accepted me and really was just a great listener. I know I could never find a friend like him. I am so happy I have him.

Bev is a lucky woman… She better take care of my best friend. She better take care of JM. He’s been my friend since 1992. I dont think I’ll find someone who would stick with me that long… aside from Jeane recto.. but shes a different story.. heehe….

JM is the guy I hit with rulers as a child, the one who saved me when my prom date went missing, the guy I cried to when I had boy trouble, the guy who talked sense into me, the guy I drank a pitcher of beer with, the guy who calls me into PEP’S For girl trouble talk, the guy who was just there to listen and be there to cheer me on. JM is awesome. And its a wonder I never fell for him — maybe because he’s just there to be my angel in disguise, a friend that i know would always be there.

God, thank you for JM. I am so happy I found him again. After 8 years, I found him again. I will not leave again — i swear to keep in touch.

I feel a little lonely today. I guess I should have gone to the Reunion after all. I have this end of the year blues going on. Though I pampered myself the whole day, I talked to special people. But I feel like I bummed the whole day.

Ok, I didn’t … I made the Kawaii Wakai site and Chris” multiply. But you know what I mean… I felt like I bummed around on Rizal Day. Haha. But i guess I deserved the rest. ( Sure, make excuses blah). I just felt like shit the whole day. I felt like I was just doing nothing with my time and I searched desperately for things to do.

Curses! I hate this feeling I have. No matter what I do it just wont shake off. I feel like crying. I feel like just going under covers and sleeping. I feel bipolar. I feel schizo right now. I guess it’s a bad case of New Year Blues. I guess its because change is coming and its coming fast.

I am afraid for the coming year. There are so many challenges that would be coming my way. Seminars, Audits, expectations, partings and reunions. so many things to be afraid of. Part of me wants my life to stay this way. Part of me is excited for the changes… Part of me just wants to run away … its scary.

I am also sad because of the fact that I feel unaccomplished. And that i am still not stable at my age. I planned to have a family at 28. Now, I am still searching. I am still without a family. JM has one. Mark has one. Heck most of my friends and cousins have one. I have baby envy. But that doesnt mean I will go make them now. I want a real family, to love, to hold, to cherish.

What the fuck am I saying anyway? I am depressing myself. I did well this year, right? I should think positive and be better for the coming year.

but damn, i still feel crappy…

We have our High School Reunion tonight. X marks the Spot. For sometime, I was aching to go. I was ready to go and meet up with old friends and just chill. But then, now, I am a bit — well… not keen to go. I realized that most of the friends that I want to be there won’t be able to go. Then, my best friend and I planned to meet for lunch on Jan 2nd instead. It’s too late at night, I may NOT enjoy it because its full of A-listers I do not really talk to and what more, I feel that I may just make a fool out of myself. Just like High School…

I guess I am making excuses for everything. The bottomline is that I am afraid of High School Reunions. I feel that people expected too much of me and I am afraid that people would just scoff and laugh at me or talk behind my back about what happened to me in the last decade. There are some things I prefer to just forget and not mention anymore. I am afraid I am just going to be a wallflower again because I really am not close to the people there.

I did some stupid things in High School that I dont want to be talked about again. I know that I should have been closer to some friends, but am not. I was crazy back then… not that I am not now, but I was more naive, more daring, more stupid. ( I mean, seriously, I had a combat knife under my skirt in High School) who wouldnt be scared? I was closer to the artist guys than girls. I had my share of cutting classes, insane trips…. It was fun. But It wasn’t the type of things that you want to talk about in your high school reunion with those people.

The people attending are the A-Listers. THe Cheerleaders, the Jocks, the Super Smart Bookies, Party People blah blah blah… I am none of those. My best friend said “We’re on a different list” I agree. Me, JM, Mark, Alain, Mark Chua and the others are on a different list. I really want to see those guys again.

Then again, we have different lives now — JM has a kid, Mark too, Mark Chua is engaged… and I’m floating around. It’s so different. We were just once Xronus 13 - comic book collecting, drawing, magic the gathering playing folk who hung out at the CSA Theater and chase each other with rulers and eat pizza or siomai. Life is so different now especially since JM and I parted ways in college. Back then it was bonding about Boyfriends and Girlfriends, drinking in San Mig and Pep’s and just chilling. Now, its all talk about career, kids, the next move and marraige (*shudders*)…

What can I tell them after all these years? What can I be proud of? Could I stand tall and show them myself?

I used to avoid meeting them before because I did not have the confidence too. I was depressed, overweight ( I was sexy in High School), I felt ugly and unaccomplished after that ugly thing with Albert.  But lately, I regained my confidence I got over my depression. I stopped crying and I felt beautiful again. I felt smart again. I felt like I can face my friends again.

I still am undecided if I am going to the reunion tonight, but I am sure about January 2. I am psyched! I wish I see more than JM. I wish I meet up with Kuya, Alain and the others too! Go go go!

I just finished my New Year Cleaning. my room looks refreshed. Fresh new linens on the bed, clean drawers ( as in all of them!)  i did my new year shopping yesterday (Major spree- overspent, by much!) and I felt so good doing things for myself.

I feel a little selfish today. I lounge around in my huge garfield sleepshirt at home and put on a little music as I type this blog. I text all my friends too… I want to get some love. It’s delicious. This feeling of self love that I have right now.  I woke up from the most delicious sleep ever. I felt sooooo happy waking up to cool air, warm sunshine and the feeling that you are so well rested. I rolled over and looked at all the unread messages (20 of them) since last night and realized i fell asleep without knowing it. ( EEP! soweee! I didnt mean to, I swear!)

I feel so good contacting people and catching up with them. I am also making plans to meet up with my BEST FRIEND EVER  and meet his little daughter on Friday. I am psyched about that/ Everything is so good today. I dont want it to stop. …

Hmmm… Im thinking of a pedicure this afternoon. My feet need it. BADLY. And Im thinking of the spa. Self pampering today would be awesome. Seriously awesome.  I feel so good about myself and everything. I havent felt this awesome since — I dont know. All I know that lately things have turned up so well and I know that things will continue getting better for me.

Well, they should. I have suffered enough. haha! I think 2009 will be a good year for me. And thats not because Feng Shui says it to be. Haha.

This year, I have only a few things I want to do to change… I also have a lot of wishes and needs… I have a lot of goals that I really have to write down in my  JOURNAL THAT WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE. haha. I guess I could share some of them here

2009 Resolutions/ Goals/ Wishlist

1. Maintain my sexy weight.
2. Grow my hair long
3. Get ISO Certified
4. Get Seminars for SSS/ PHIC and Pag-ibig
5. Get promoted twice
6. Buy a LV/Coach/ Prada / Kate Spade bag
7. Budget my money (hahahah!)
8. Put a down on that Condo that I want
9. Get a car/ Drive my car
10. Go to Thailand/ Japan
11. Catch up with all my friends and keep in touch with them
12. Find Mr. Right (who knows if I have met him na?)
13. get a globe/smart line
14. start crafting again
15. replace my laptop
16. revamp my room
17. take Japanese Language proficiency examinations
18. take extra japanese lessons
19. play the guitar again
20. write another novel ( Nanowrimo and non-wrimo)
21. maintain my diary/journal
22. give to a charity/do community work
23. Enjoy my life
24. Give back to God
25. FIND MYSELF AGAIN

Maybe those random 25 thoughts are just things that just popped into my head but most of them I reallly want to happen. Who knows? maybe we could check them off one by one right?

Heres hoping…

For those who know me,  they all know that I DREAD Christmas. First of all, I always cry on Christmas- for god knows the reason why. I am always lonely, always feel outcast or what ever. Yeah, I was the GRINCH.

Why? Maybe because I felt that everyone was against me. Maybe I felt apart from a loved one. Maybe I felt that I could not express the love that I should have expressed a long time ago. Or maybe it was because I was at odds with my mother, which seemed a yearly thing( that we fight on christmas) .I also felt in the years before that I was uglier, fatter, worse and really evil.

This year was totally different. I was happier, my diet worked wonders and I weighed significantly less than last year ( In fact I am proud to say that I am soooo close to my goal of a waistline of 27 that i could taste it! ) My clothes are more fashionable, I made myself totally pretty for the season. I have a sparkle in my eye. i am smiling, I havent fought with my mother and I have love in my heart.

I thought that this Christmas would be sad, because I let him go. But, the Lord works in mysterious ways. When I let him go, I recieved so much more in return. Friends who love me, people falling over their feet to woo me, my family who loves me, My fathers and GRANDFATHER’s approval and trust. A new face to show the world, a career that is starting to shine and most of all peace in my heart.

My stubbornness led to all the heartaches before. But I know that this time I was very happy. It was a very different Christmas for me. I totally enjoyed bonding with family and friends. I have my dreams in sight and my family so close. I could not imagine ever living without them. I was correct in my choice that I should let him go.

though the manner of my letting him go was really bad. I know I tricked him into letting me go. I know I made a fool out of him. I am sorry. I feel bad everyday for it, but i know it was the right decision. I had to do it, it was bothering me, it was hurting me and it was stunting my growth.I guess it was just right. I had to let go of something to get something bigger. In this case it was our friendship.

I just wish that he finds it in his heart one day to forgive me and understand why I did this.  I just wish he would find a happier place in his heart and a love that would take him away. I just wish all the best for him.

But then,again, were not friends anymore….

Hay, but he blessed me in a lot of ways. So I am looking forward to everything. I look forward to a better me. I look forward to a better year

I have been waiting for this day to come. The day when my grandfather and father would finally look at me in a new light. The day when my grandfather would be proud of me. I am glad that it finally came. I was so scared that it may never come — especially after years of frustration that I brought both of them.

You are always gonna be the one…
Itsuka dare ka tomata koi ni ochitemo…
I remember how to love, you taught me how…

I am proud of myself. I am proud of everything I have become. Just now. I feel that things are really starting to look up. For me, for my friends and for everything. My father is proud of me. That is all I could really ask for. I am happy. Happiest Ive been in while…

Thank you Utada Hikaru. Thank you self for believing you can do it.

Its starting to change… my life. Im starting to see myself better and clearer.

I doubt if anything really matters anymore if we do not trust. How can someone love without it? How can there be friendship or peace or even a running business without it? I doubt that people can sleep well at night if there is no trust. But it is there, it exists - but you really need to earn it, live it, love it.

I felt the pain of losing trust from someone I held dear. I lost my parent’s trust. I lost the trust of people who believed in me. The pain is unbearable. And I admit it was due to my negligence and or mistakes.

But what if you really were not doing anything? What if you really just need time and space and still there was no trust? What if you wanted to earn the trust of someone higher than the one you are breaking? Should you gamble?

I believe thats what I did. No matter how it hurt. No matter how my heart aches. No matter how I cry. No matter how painful the words that person will say. I chose them . I chose myself over him.

Maybe that is my fault too. Maybe my fault is that I love myself too much.

Is it worth saying goodbye to a person just like that? I really do not know. If that person loses trust in you. Is it worth coming back? I do not know.

There was pain. A lot of it. For weeks I have battled with it, but definitely and ultimately, the decision remains. I will trust myself more, love myself more — and no one else.

I am selfish. I know. But, it is by choice.

I am someone’s kitten.  I am someone’s princess. I am someone’s chocolate. I am someone’s love, potchi, baby, love and honey. I am loved. I know I am.  By one, by many, by friends, family, and maybe someone special.  I am so blessed with many people who love me.

Yet, I am not free to love as I wish. Years of painful experiences have taught me not to trust so easily, not to fall too fast, not to give in to the falling in love phase too quickly. But my heart has the brain and the listening power of an amoeba. It  is always ready to love again.  Yet, it never forgets the fear and pain of being hurt.

That is why people who love me have set up many barriers, many rules, many high criterion to protect me from the past hurt and pain. I myself had set up my own defense mechanism. Something that I myself did not realize… something that surprised even me.

Why? I do not know. All I know is that, I have learned to numb myself from many feelings that involve being hurt and getting hurt because of love. I can learn to fall in and out of love. But is that right? I don’t know. People have told me that this is the reason why some people have a hard time relating to me when it comes to the heart.

Maybe it was the bitter curse of the past. The bitter pill I had to swallow and still runs through my veins. Should I open up again or protect myself? I don’t know…

I dont know how I am going to truly going to open up.

Maybe someone has the key… I just dont know….